Today i am going to share some personal junk with you all today....well i have a panic disorder....you may know this if you have been reading for a while....i am not sure where it exactly comes from however im sure it is a culmination of many things i may or may not have dealt with over the past 20 years....i do know that having two small children has definitely put my nerves on edge....but its more than that....i often wonder if this is a midlife crisis...i am forty the mid point of life....when i was younger in my 20s i chose to ignore my creative side as just a silly hobby and i chose to study something more practical....which i ended up disliking very much....so the last 12 years have really been devoted to DOING what i like and i think i am fairly decent at....which has been art....i have been trying to create a body of "real work"(whatever that means) in the last few....this is what forced me to open my shop on etsy and take my work else where....but i sometimes think its not good enough....who am i fooling....what are you doing....your work stinks....whats the point....add that to all the other self hating doubting thoughts most women have like im too fat....im too ugly....im too this or that...even when you have friends and a very wonderful husband that love you in every way....i started therapy this summer but the attacks have become worse....how funny? the last one landed me in the er this past saturday....i really thought i was dying.... panic attacks arent supposed to last for hours are they? So i thought i would share today because sometimes this blog can get kind of fluffy and well my world isnt always so....id like to thank Laura Carter for letting me use her paintingHiding Behind Fear....how appropriate....
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i suffered from acute anxiety and panic disorder for YEARS. it got to the point where i was very nearly a shut in and had to have my brother hold my hand when we went to the grocery store. when he left me alone in an aisle to go elsewhere i used to cling to the shopping cart because the room becan to spin. i began to research football helmets because i really thought i would need one to leave my house. seriously. it was awful. there is help. i know you already know that. it will get better.
ReplyDeletesharing stuff that is important to you will go a long way...
I have a lot of thoughts about panic attacks, having suffered from them for about 6 or 7 years now. I've learned some coping mechanisms that help me get through the most embarrassing episodes (times when I'm in business meetings, trapped in windowless rooms with a dozen stuffy men in ill-fitting suits, and required to stay put and not run away screaming). But sometimes life, in general, is just too much for me to handle and the collective effect of things piling up knocks me to my knees, literally and figuratively.
ReplyDeleteToo often we're focused so much on trying to pretend we have it all together that we forget to let ourselves be human beings, fallible and fearful and not-at-all certain of anything much at all. We're afraid (or, speaking for myself, I'M afraid) of showing any weakness or insecurity whatsoever.
It's a vicious cycle that can sometimes be arrested by just what you've done here: letting a little bit of it out, like letting go of an untied balloon.
Shellie, sorry to hear you ended up in the ER. That must have been very frightening for you. I hope you are feeling a little better now.
ReplyDeleteI had a brief spell of panic attacks as a teenager but it related to my very tough life situ and once I left it behind they went away.
I understand that there are many reasons and lots of unexplained reasons why these happen.
It was interesting to me when you said "i started therapy this summer but the attacks have become worse" it made me think of the saying, things get worse before they get better. So, my fingers are crossed for you and I am sending you positive energy.
Don't be too hard on yourself, that is what I am always telling myself too!
Have a lovely evening T. :)
oh yes, i forgot to say that when i started therapy, it got worse. excavating does that. i know it'll all work out for you darling. keep letting the pressure out. love to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it sent you to the ER. I understand the voices, the fear, the self-hate. Sometimes I just want to roll up into a ball and stay in my room. I am so happy you are getting help. And yes it does get worse as we dig stuff up, but I know it's going to get better.
ReplyDeletethanks everyone....your words really mean a lot to me...i felt so humilated at my weakness....really this reading does offer comfort...thanks again....love to you all!
ReplyDeleteShellie, I get anxious, but I've never had a full blown panic attack. I feel for you. How are you today?
ReplyDeleteDoubting and second guessing yourself is not foreign to me either. You're obviously and very talented and creative person. Your work is beautiful.
I hope you have a lovely and relaxing weekend. x
thank you janis....im doing better....ive talked myself out of 2 this week so that is progress...relaxing we will see....the whipper snappers have lots of halloween activities today and tomorrow....but now i leave to visit girlfriends!
ReplyDeletewould you like me to send the workbook my therapist had me use?
ReplyDeleteI used to get panic attacks while driving across bridges or in heavy traffic on rainy days. They are scary things.
ReplyDeleteHope yours get milder soon.